Indirectly Direct

Dear Yesterday,

As a naive new born to the world, just coming into my looks and being what I considered at the time happy with myself, I made a lot of mistakes. I sought validation in the fact that I was sought after. Someone wanted me and you couldn't tell me anything, I knew I was the sh*t. At the time I was unaware of the error of my ways so everyday was bliss for me. I was happy to do all the work just to steal a piece of your affection. My thirst exceeded my nurture & kicked my natural instincts into overdrive. It's like that feeling when you get a pay check more than you expected so you aren't afraid to spend a little, but by the time you realize you're broke, you have nothing to show for your reckless spending. And all you can say is "Well, I had fun" or at least you think you did. I thank God for maturity because in my youth I felt that affection had to be brought, whether you spent or I spent, someone must pay out. At the same time I had a lot of secrets I was not ready to expose or deal with & was in desperate need of an out. Receiving another's affection was enough for me to become an enabler. Mind it wasn't even affection worth receiving but I made due with what was given. I got myself into some really parasitic situations that shaped me to be the person I am today. With that naivety, I also thought I was free & a man. I was wrong. I gave the deepest parts of me away too easily, which now causes me to keep my guard up. The more guarded I became, the more I felt the need to cry out & break through my own walls. It only takes one time to scar you for life. But like an addiction, I dropped out of rehabilitation before I was ready & flew to my favorite vice uncured. I began to misread intentions again. I took the words I wished you said in my head & placed them in your mouth like they were birthed from the source. I was definitely using again. It just felt so good to be wanted. Had one person just really took the time to really care, I have went down a totally different path. Instead, I reprised my greatest role as "the fool" several times over, following the same choreography & putting on the perfect show for the stage. When the curtain finally closed & the lights faded to black, so did I. I retreated to an extremely dark place in my life. I became numb! Unphased by the world around me, I shut everyone out. This is the exact moment I became "Ruthless". And I never really left that place the same. A piece of that sticks with me til this day. I had a change in attitude and there was no more Mr. Nice Guy. No one's word but mine became law & I refused to put up with anyone's sh*t. It's not until you hit rock bottom do you know how to feel & how you need to feel. You really become more in tune with yourself  after you realize that's the only person you can truly count on. Friends, Family, & anyone in-between will one day let you down. My faith in people died with my love for people. It took me a while to rebuild that trust I had in mankind. I'd need one person to show me why I held on to this hope so I decided to test the waters. My heart wasn't in it but I didn't feel so bad because neither was there's. Til this day, I haven't truly seen a reason to keep the faith. I was never THAT religious but I knew that Jesus Christ was love so I knew it was real & him being able to pull me out of such a depression, I knew there was a reason. I then knew that a mother's love was real & unconditional from all the disappointment I caused & it still remain. So there had to be some hope for love in mankind & somebody out there had to feel this way. I couldn't give up completely. I now battle with finding balance completely with the naturally nice Nick I was brought up to be and the ruthless b*tch life was weathered & seasoned me to be. So today as I look at the past mistakes I've made, I know for sure that I can not make those same mistakes again & be upset at the results. I've been prone to work over time for a love that isn't even mine yet while you lazily apply yourself pretending that you're there with me. I should know that one my effort surpasses yours, it's naturally time to let it go. If I don't mold you from the beginning, I'm allowing this behavior, in doing so, I've mad it acceptable. I do have a tendency to get attached quickly and believe me I'm working on that but when you genuinely want the best for a person you tend to make it better for them. I knew there was no way I could store all the lessons I've learned in my head so I found ways to vent. As a result, I've become a more direct, blunt person. I don't feel like emotions should be held in because that causes confusion. I'd hate for someone to be confused or have to guess how I feel about them. If there's one thing that frustrates me, it's confusion, so I decided to eliminate that on my behalf. There was a time when I expected everyone to share this same train of thought but again with time, our greatest teacher, I learned that I can't expect anything from anyone. There are some things I keep guarded and & am naturally reserved about because I'd also hate to waste my affection. At the end of the day I want to say I did my part so if we fail, I won't have to guess why. That may not be the best mindset to have but it works for me as of now, well I won't say it works, but I do have more peace of mind. With this method, I often reach a point where I feel too invested for what I'm receiving & I have to pull back. I'd like for you to show me your level of commitment but this is where the ball is usually dropped. So from the mistakes I've made in the past they have shaped me to be the person I am today. Yesterday is considered my past & I've learned of some mistakes I plan to change today. It's all about progression in my future hopefully. This is probably as vulnerable as I've ever gotten with the general public. As much of an open book I am, I'm still shy enough to let you read the pages yourself. I'm not one to volunteer the story, I'd rather you read at your own pace & actually want to know. If you ask the questions, the answers tend to stick with you better. That's a rule of thumb for me, and I have applied a lot of rules to my friendship life now so I won't have to continue to tolerate bullish*t or even be tempted to deal with it. I'm not at a stage in my life where I want to deal with bullsh*t from anyone seeing as how I don't want to put up with my own bullsh*t.  There is a person worthy. Maybe it is you. Whenever they decide to fine me, I hope I'm ready. I shouldn't have to train you. I should be preparing myself for you. So where am I today you ask? I'm trying to be the nicest guy you'd ever have the pleasure meeting. [modest, right?] I'm trying to get people to forget the crap of my past. I believe in romance, chivalry, Jesus Freak, & just being a gentleman over all. But people take being nice & kinda as a weakness so I'm very subjective as to whom I am nice to. Sarcasm helps me deal so there's no way I'd leave that out. I make no apologies for speaking my mind... But I do regard feelings when I speak (I'm working on that). If I have a problem, I will address it with you before I discuss it with anyone else. I like to be the source & hear from the source so again, there's no confusion. I may get attached quicker than most but you won't know until you deserve to know or just plain missed out with your lack of effort. I'm definitely not going to feed into your ego by chasing you. Nor will I stick around for the run around & delayed devotion. I see how everyone is always hitting you, chasing you, etc... But I don't care. I just want to be your close/best friend. That's all I've ever asked for and that's all I've ever wanted. I may not be at the perfect place when it comes to this, I'm still working out the kinks, but I'm at a better plea than I was in my past. I'm much stronger & wiser from what I have learned from you. The most important thing was figuring out what I wanted out of life & love & friendship & from another human being. I can't be thankful enough for that. There are things I'm willing to let go, but I need your help with that. There are also things I'm willing to tolerate & those things I just downright won't get upset for nothing anymore. I may not know everything I need to yet, but I know what a friendship means to me at this point & that's what I'll settle for. Hopefully I'm not settling literally. So to my past, I truly say, Thank you very much.

-xoxo
NIC.